To My Mama

It's been 1 month exactly since you left and I still don't think it's fair. There are some things I'll never get to say to you, and I've decided to use this as a medium to help me let go. Did you know I've been wearing blue for a month? Even before all this happened, somewhere along the line (back in high school, I think), your favorite color became one of my favorite colors, and it was the best way I could think of to pay tribute to you. 41, ma. I only got 25 years with you. Whose supposed to go shopping with me for my wedding dress now? The only thing that helps me get by day to day, no, second by second, is to focus on the fact that you're not in pain anymore. But is it really that selfish to think of the time we've lost together? There is so much left that I wanted, needed to do with my mommy. But you did a good job with me; I can take care of myself and D has been keeping his promise to you about taking care of me. But see, he's grieving too. So I have to be strong for him and me. I'm not sure if I ever told you this, but despite all of our differences, you were a great mom to me, and in my eyes you will always be an African queen. I love you ma, and I miss you so much. There hasn't been one day yet where I didn't want to call you and then just as quickly realize I couldn't. I just want to crawl into a corner and cry, but I have to be strong for everyone else. Now all I have left of you are my memories. I am so mad, mad at you for leaving, mad at me for not being able to fix you, mad at me for being mad at you. But at least you're at peace. I hope everything you believed in was true for you. I love you ma. Goodbye.